


Dainty

by Skyla_Seijuro



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: (G)I-DLE- ITZY and TXT as side characters, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Body Image, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Romance, Unspecified Setting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26008021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyla_Seijuro/pseuds/Skyla_Seijuro
Summary: Yeosang just couldn't wait to show his hyung how his hard work showed off after a month. He felt like dying and every day was full of pain and anxiety yet the anticipation made him going.What he didn't expect was how his hyung wouldn't comment on his body like everyone else did.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 30
Kudos: 151





	1. Welcome Back

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry Yeosang. I wrote this story with my exprience on my eating disorder so please be kind to me.

"Slowly cut the apple into small pieces and put only the quarter of it into the bowl, try to add honey since it will give you energy and it will be your only meal for the day..."

Yeosang's wrist started to ache with the fast scribbles he wrote down into the black covered notebook. It was nighttime and the only thing illuminating his vision was his small desk lamp on the table.

He was almost out of money this month. It scared him yet it was a great chance to try and lose some more weight till he got the money for more nutritious food. Not that he would eat them all, but even with a self-destructive mind he was scared of the things that entailed a poor eating habit.

He sighed, a thin sound in his small and dark room. It was almost midnight, very late considering his classes started early tomorrow. He got up from his chair and went to the small bathroom to weigh himself. He only ate a salad today along with a cup of honeyed green tea. His insides ached with the emptiness but seeing the scale went down even a tiny bit made him smile. 

Sleeping with hunger was a thing he still couldn't get used to, at least he was alone for some weeks. He had little time until his roommate returned. He had so much to do but his time was narrowing down with every passing day.

-

"I think I will go on a diet." 

They were sitting under the tree they always sat at lunch. Yeosang had his small granola bar he ate whenever he was with his friends. He was feeling good today, he ate a low calorie but healthy breakfast and he didn't feel like throwing out with every bite he took.

But as always, life just laughed back at him when he thought he would have a relatively peaceful day.

"Please don't, you are thin already you don't have to." Yeosang blurted out as his hand which held the granola bar slowly lowered down. 

"It's easy to say for you Sangie, you are so thin already." 

Yeosang felt like crying.

"He is right, you never gain weight even if you eat more than us sometimes. You can't possibly know our struggle." Hongjoong laughed probably not meaning anything menace. Yet, it was enough for Yeosang to slowly feel self-conscious of the fullness of his stomach.

Their conversation changed, leaving Yeosang in his own mind.

He ate half an apple and one hard-boiled egg this morning. Hard-boiled eggs had seventy-seven calories but if he rounded it to eighty with the apple being approximately forty he had over a hundred calories right from the morning. If he added the half ate granola bar too it would-

"Earth to Yeosang, are you listening?"

The sudden voice right next to his ear startled Yeosang so much that he couldn't help but shriek and fall over his side. All six of them laughed at him and he glared at the culprit of his heart attack which was Wooyoung.

"Oh my god you were so lost in your head." he laughed so hard he hunched over.

"Ha ha, so funny. What were you saying anyway?"

"We were talking about how there are only two days until Seonghwa hyung is back." Yunho elaborated from the corner but he was still smiling at Yeosang with amusement.

"And how we will take him from the airport so we need to decide on the time we will leave the campus." Mingi continued right after and Yunho giggled along with him like the lovesick puppies they were.

Yeosang shrugged, his granola bar long forgotten on the moist grasses. "I am okay with whenever, just message me the time and place."

"You are awfully nonchalant about your precious hyung returning." Wooyoung said with the sly smile of his. Oh, how he didn't know he wouldn't get an answer out from Yeosang. 

Yeosang slowly started to pack his bag, there was not much left from the break and he didn't feel like watching his friends eat while he had his usual breakdowns and mockery from his so-called best friend.

"Aww, Yeosangie don't leave we were just having fun with you!" Yunho pouted and tried to get up to retrieve him back to which Yeosang shook his head.

"It's okay I was about to leave anyway." his head felt dizzy when he got up suddenly but he masked it professionally with a small step back. "I will see you later then, just make sure to message me the time." and with a small wave, he went back into the building where his class would be.

He didn't see the look Jongho gave to him and he especially didn't see the younger take his phone out and hastily type something down.

-

" Twenty crunches, a minute long plank..."

His breath ragged and his thighs trembling a little he wrote down his day. Back then it was all about the things and events that had happened throughout the day, Yeosang couldn't even remember the day when it turned out to be a calorie journal to him more than a genuine diary.

He took another sip from his second cup of tea. It was bland this time.

He couldn't study today with the hunger clawing him from inside. His vision blackened every time he got up to move, it was a miracle that he managed to finish all of his classes and returned back home quick enough to ditch his group of friends.

They had sent him a message to let him know they would go out to eat, which he didn't even open. 

Two days, two days more until he wouldn't have his privacy to fast and work-out as often as he did in the past month.

Yeosang closed the worn-out notebook and went to the bathroom to take a quick shower before he slept. He weighted himself quickly when he threw away his clothes, just to see the number higher than they were in the morning.

Mercy was not a part of his routine yet that night he refused to look himself in the mirror. Tears ran down from his cheeks and mixed with the cold water of his shower. He crouched down when he suddenly felt dizzy and shampooed his hair from there. When his hands carded his hair and moved down to rinse them he saw many caramel coloured strands tangled around his fingers.

His breath hitched with fear but he also felt sickly satisfied. 

He was doing something right if his hair was falling off. His heart hammered and the rational part inside him screamed at him that this wasn't right.

Whatever, he would just take some vitamins when he got his monthly payment.

-

He stirred awake when someone banged on his door. 

"Rise and shine sweetheart we will leave in thirty minutes!"

Yeosang groaned into his pillow but still found the non-existent energy to get up and open the door. Wooyoung grinned at him and hurried inside without his invite, not that he needed it anymore. They knew each other for years.

"Come on go get cleaned up, I will be waiting."

And Yeosang did. He was still dizzy with hunger and sleep but he managed to wash his face and brush his teeth with extra toothpaste to hide the smell of his hunger. He checked his weight quickly with his eyes still half-open but the scale being down yet again made him smile tiredly.

Under the dim lights of his windowless bathroom, he stood with legs that struggled to keep him up but Yeosang was ecstatic, over the moon. 

He had finally reached his goal weight even if he lost plenty of hair and dignity on the way. Yeosang wondered how will Seonghwa react when he saw him today. Would he be impressed, scared, would he worry over his health? His body buzzed with the excitement of the possibilities.

He got out of the bathroom and closed the lights, when his eyes searched for his friend Yeosang found him standing over his table with his journal in his hands, yet to be opened.

He surged forward and snatched it from Wooyoung harsher than he intended to. Wooyoung looked startled and hurt when his eyes landed on Yeosang's panicking figure. Wide eyes looked into each other but no words were spoken for a moment.

"Can't believe you still have things to hide from me." Wooyoung sounded, sad, not scolding Yeosang but expressing his surprise some way.

Yeosang lowered his gaze on the ground, hopefully looking as sad as Wooyoung but still, his grip on his notebook tightened.

"I am sorry but believe me when I say I don't hide things that are important."

It was a huge lie and Wooyoung looked unconvinced. They dropped the topic regardless and Wooyoung told him to hurry up and change his clothes.

It wasn't a rare occurrence for them to be naked in the presence of each other. They were their childhood, even their first kiss even if they refused to acknowledge it to this day. There were absolutely no barriers between them, other than the transparent ones that Yeosang built over the last years.

"Are you really gonna watch me strip?" he questioned, trying to sound aloof but his heart clenched knowing Wooyoung would see his bare body which he hated wholeheartedly. Not only that but he would see his thin body he usually managed to hide under loose garments and clothes.

Wooyoung just smirked slightly and didn't avert his eyes from his still clothed frame. "Don't be shy go ahead."

Yeosang grumbled but turned around to discard his pyjamas on his bed. He could feel Wooyoung's curious eyes on his bare skin, his gaze palpable and burning on him.

"I can see your bones dude when did you lose this much weight?"

Yeosang's heart ached yet again with the weird mixture of pride and stress. 

"I guess I couldn't eat much these days, they didn't send me the payment for this month." A lie yet again, but he couldn't let Wooyoung feel suspicious.

"That's so fucked up, can't they just do one thing right? Also, you know it's not hard to ask us for food or money you know that."

Yeosang shrugged and quickly took a tee and wore it. He was done under two minutes when he didn't answer Wooyoung and just focused on his task.

"Yeah I know, come on we should leave before Hongjoong comes and breaks the door."

-

"Umm Mingi, didn't you tell all eight of us would fit in the car?"

They looked at the truck Mingi borrowed from his parents, which was for six people max, well six people and a half in Yunho's words when he counted Yeosang in.

"One of us will have to sit on someone's lap on our way back".

"Well, that won't be a problem. Yeosang is the lightest in the group."

Yeosang smiled half-heartedly but secretly hoped he would sit on Seonghwa's lap. Well, he was very good at manipulating situations to his advantage and if the knowing looks Wooyoung sent him was any indication, he wouldn't be alone in the plan of his.

"Let's get in then, we should leave now if we want to arrive on time.

It was uncomfortable with his ass uncomfortably stuck in the corner but the thought of finally seeing his hyung took him to another world and soon he forgot the ache in his belly and how his spine hurt while he sat crooked on the backseat next to Wooyoung.

-

"He will be here any minute now."

"Should we suddenly ambush him with a hug?"

"Maybe we shouldn't overwhelm him right from the start."

"Where is the fun in that?"

He heard the blabbers of his friends but paid so little attention. Yeosang's arms rested on the metal barriers and his eyes were focused on the exit gate to see the raven coloured hair. He was holding a small sandwich in his hand which San forcefully gave to him as breakfast, he couldn't find the right moment to throw it into the trash so the weight of it rested in his hand uncomfortably. He was hyperfocused on the smell of the cheese and tomatoes and he salivated so much he had to drink water to occupy his mouth.

"I will go to the bathroom for a moment." he mumbled lowly, he couldn't stand the food in his hand anymore.

"Just be quick! He can be here at any moment." Yunho whined and Yeosang smiled at his friend's excitement.

He moved away quickly and out of their gaze to find a trash bin. He sighed when he finally discarded the food and closed his eyes for a moment when the guilt of throwing away food filled his senses. He walked around for a while in order not to get back too early to the group but still, he found himself walking back to them when the anticipation grew within him.

"Why is he taking so late?"

At least he didn't miss his hyung when he left for the so-called bathroom.

They waited around ten minutes more when finally, Yeosang spotted the black-haired boy make his way out of the gate with a huge smile painted on his beautiful face.

"Seonghwa we are here!" Hongjoong yelled and Yeosang heart melted when he saw Seonghwa laugh with delight and wave back with the same enthusiasm as them.

"It has been so long." Wooyoung fake cried and hugged their hyung as soon as he stepped around the barriers. 

"Wooyoung spare him so we can hug him too."

"Nothing is stopping you, you skinship phobic little man." Wooyoung stuck his tongue out to a very irritated Hongjoong and hugged Seonghwa back who was giggling now.

He looked adorable when he giggled, overwhelmed by their affection and his smile soon turned into a grimace which just showed how much he felt at the moment.

God Yeosang missed Seonghwa so much.

"Hey, Yeosangie." Seonghwa came to him when Wooyoung finally released him. Yeosang's heart skipped with apprehension as Seonghwa's eyes met with his own, glossy ones.

Yet those dark orbs never moved away, didn't rake down over his body, didn't show any surprise or worry. They just looked at him for an uncomfortable minute before Yeosang finally collected his mind.

He took a step to hug him, to maybe make him feel how much smaller he was, how his ribs would poke at his much softer skin. But of course, someone else beat him up to it.

San and Mingi were on Seonghwa even before Yeosang could get into a feet range of is hyung. He did his best to not feel disappointed.

They couldn't hug when he arrived but he was sure the car would be different.

-

Yeosang felt like crying when he was located on not Seonghwa's lap but Yunho's.

Wooyoung looked at him apologetically across the other door, Seonghwa was between them, sitting with his bags on his lap. Yeosang never knew he would be jealous of bags ever in his life but here he was. Glaring at the dark material while he tried not to cry in frustration.

Not only that, apparently someone in the universe wanted to make Yeosang's day as miserable as possible because at the first mention of some food his stomach grumbled with hunger, taking everyone's attention in the car.

"Well..." Yunho grinned at him "That settles it then, we are going out to eat."

Yeosang was too in his mind, freaking out that he didn't see Seonghwa side-eye him with curious eyes.

-

It was nighttime when the two roommates entered their small room with exhausted bodies along with a Yeosang who tried to walk without showing how much his insides hurt with the sudden intake of food.

Yeosang hadn't binged like that in a while, he couldn't even calculate the calories.

Even with lights on, the room was hardly illuminated. It was dim around the corners and it took them a while to settle Seonghwa's bags properly. 

Yeosang didn't know what to do with himself when Seonghwa refused his help. 

"Go take the shower first Sangie, I will handle these."

Sangie didn't want to shower, Sangie wanted Seonghwa to talk to him.

"Didn't you notice anything different hyung?" Yeosang blurted out suddenly. When Seonghwa looked at him with those wide, questioning eyes; Yeosang suddenly regretted his outburst.

"I am sorry Yeosang, is there something I fail to notice?" He looked genuinely sad and it made Yeosang wonder if he didn't notice it or if he was good at acting.

"Why aren't you commenting on my appearance?"

"Is it something you want me to do?"

Seonghwa stood up, finally coming towards Yeosang and looked at him with the tender gaze of his. It took Yeosang a while to realise his question. He opened his mouth to answer but closed it when nothing came to his mind.

How was he supposed to answer that?

Seonghwa chuckled lowly and petted Yeosang's hair. 

"Come on Yeosang, go shower then we can go out for a walk hmm? It has been a while hyung spent time with you."

Yeosang's throat felt dry at those words and the tone of his hyung. He tried to swallow the lump but he almost choked on his spit and Seonghwa just smirked at him in amusement.

Why was he acting like this after ignoring him the whole day?

Yeosang finally muttered out an 'okay' before leaving to take a shower. He heard Seonghwa moving around the dorm, he listened to the small sounds Seonghwa made as he took his clothes off, not even checking himself on the mirror nor going to the scale.

His hyung was finally home, Yeosang felt content as he never did in a while. His mind was on Seonghwa and only Seonghwa.

He smiled softly, maybe it was the food finally settling and the constant pain of hunger leaving him for a while but he felt... Happy.

Oh, how he wished it would be always like this.

He was so content that when he heard something fall down, probably a book, he ignored it and stood under the shower.


	2. Grey Clouds and Steamy Cups

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments I recieved made me so happy so I couldn't help but write another chapter!

Sometimes Yeosang got reminded of the times he tried so hard to forget. Fragments of his past, words that were uttered out to him and clung onto his consciousness even if how false they all were.

While he dried his hair he looked into the mirror on their sink. He was pale and there were little purple circles under his eyes from the days when hunger kept him awake.

Oh, how he wished some people saw him now. 

He put the towel away for a moment to touch his hipbones on his body which stuck out more now and over his ribs, his collarbones. Why was it so soothing to touch his bones when all he thought how wrong it felt?

He could starve himself to death yet he knew it did mean nothing to the people who he tried so hard to impress.

Yeosang was far away from them now, not even in touch with them other than Wooyoung, who was the only person left from his childhood.

He took the towel back and tied it around his hips, he debated on taking another one to cover his body but what would it do other than hide the hideous body of his. Seonghwa saw him half-naked all the time and never commented on it, never. It was frustrating sometimes but it felt freeing, how it was not something the elder thought about nor cared.

He slowly opened the bathroom door to check the room and furrowed his brows in confusion when he couldn't spot Seonghwa inside. The suitcases were still open but now relatively empty. Yeosang stepped out and with the unexpected privacy got dressed in ease. He lied down on the bed on his side, facing the door. It took almost ten or fifteen minutes but finally when Yeosang almost nodded off to sleep with the additional weight of the food, the door creaked open, revealing Seonghwa with arms full of grocery bags.

"Hyung you just returned why did you leave in such an hour? We could go together."

Seonghwa just smiled at him and told him not to worry. He dropped the bags on the floor and took one of them to the mini-fridge in their room. There wasn't much, just some fruits and mineral waters. 

"I bought some crackers and snacks since I couldn't find anything in the dorm. I will put them in the cupboard then we can go out."

Yeosang nodded slowly and watched his hyung put the things he got into their small closet. There were diet crackers and some organic snacks Yeosang always saw but couldn't make himself buy. All very modest in calories but not like the ones he bought which were more of cardboard crackers than they were snacks.

He hadn't felt both glad and terrified in a while, Seonghwa made him feel so contrast emotions, sometimes Yeosang feared he would get an emotional vertigo.

-

They walked side by side, arms sometimes grazing each other and sending shocks down Yeosang's spine.

The night was still young, there were many other students spending time outside on the campus. The night was crisp and Yeosang was shivering with the occasional breeze and it was becoming hard to hide them.

"Sangie are you cold? We can return whenever you want."

Yeosang shook his head, smiling in a way that he terribly hoped was reassuring. Seonghwa sighed through his nose and took off his jacket, putting it on Yeosang's shoulder delicately.

"No hyung you will get cold!"

"I won't Yeosang don't worry, I got used to the cold while I was away. This weather is nothing to me."

Yeosang hesitated still but nodded, his cheeks felt warmer with the small act of affection and who was he to refuse it coming from his dear Seonghwa.

"How was it, staying in another city?" 

They kept walking and soon came near to the architecture department's building. There were fewer people here, mostly girls whose dorms were near the small, white building. The girls glanced at the two and waved at them with soft smiles on their faces, Seonghwa waved them back while Yeosang nodded shyly.

"It was lonely. I couldn't help but miss everything, especially you Sangie." he cooed and ruffled Yeosang's hair. "My roommate there was nice but nobody can fill your space in my heart."

Yeosang was speechless and he was sure he would faint right there if he glanced at Seonghwa.

"I missed you too hyung." So much that he couldn't put it into words. Oh, how every day was just a routine to him when he was alone in their room, how there was a void in his heart which was only filled with the other's presence, smiles.

Was it bad that Yeosang had become this dependent on Seonghwa?

"It was much colder than here, it was hard at the beginning for me since I was not used to a weather like that." he told, "But once you get used to it, it somehow gets pleasant."

Yeosang hummed "I wouldn't know, I just can't stand the cold." He hugged the jacket tighter around him and smelled Seonghwa's cologne faintly on the fabric. Something fresh yet sweet, his mouth watered whenever he smelled it.

"Heating was better than our dorm room, you wouldn't have any problems." Seonghwa said, it was true that the heaters in the dorms were inadequate. The thought of better ones felt like a dream. 

"Maybe one day we can move to a better place, then you wouldn't have to sleep with three blankets every winter." Seonghwa murmured to himself, "I just don't want to see you here in the coming years, you don't deserve it Sangie."

"You don't either hyung! It's fine really, I am used to it now."

A sad smile appeared on Seonghwa's lips then, he turned towards Yeosang, suddenly stopping in his tracks.

"But our lives are different Sangie, you suffer more than I do."

Yeosang stopped too, they looked into each other's eyes under the tree across architecture building. The girls were far away now, they could see them but Yeosang doubted they could hear what they were talking about, so he let it go.

"It is always easier with you by my side Seonghwa hyung." came his soft voice, he barely heard it himself but with the moonlight shining on Seonghwa's glossy eyes, Yeosang was sure he heard it too.

"Don't underestimate yourself Yeosang, I may be always here but it was all you that made you come until this day." Seonghwa said with a serious tone, Yeosang would think he was being scolded if he hadn't heard the compliments directed to him. He opened his mouth to answer but-

"Hey saps whaddup!" 

They turned towards the high pitched yell and saw Wooyoung coming towards them albeit a little, unbalanced.

"Wooyoung... Are you okay?"

"I think he is drunk."

"He has early classes tomorrow..."

Wooyoung was almost up to them now and he was giggling cutely with a flush on his cheeks.

"I hear what you are saying, I am not drunk!"

"Of course you are not, where is San?"

Wooyoung's smile fell the moment his friend's name was uttered out. He didn't look upset, it was more of a frustrated frown on his face than a bitter one.

"He is with the engineering guys across the campus, he didn't give me attention so I left!"

From the frown on Seonghwa's face, Yeosang could tell San was gonna get scolded later when they met.

"I see Woo, come on let's bring you to the dorms."

At least with Seongwa, it was easier to drag an intoxicated Wooyoung back to his room. The elder just had the aura that made everyone listen to him in situations like this. It was another thing Yeosang just loved about Seonghwa and he loved everything that his hyung had to offer.

-

"Well, that was tiring." Seonghwa sighed as he opened the door and Yeosang followed behind in a much more tired pace. His arms hurt because he had tried to hold up Wooyoung on the toilet as the other got out the excess alcohol from his system. Once Seonghwa took his place it was already too late. His arms were too worn out with his friend's weight.

That was another thing nobody told people about eating disorders. You burned fat yes but the excessive restriction burned your muscles as well.

First came striated muscles but after a while, your body attacked your heart too. You didn't feed yourself so your body tried to survive on whatever it had. Yeosang feared it the most and sometimes his heart ached with the thoughts of it.

He really didn't want to die, but he didn't want to be fat either.

He was not fat, Yeosang wasn't stupid nor blind but eating disorders were like that. They were irrational, blurred your thoughts and made you see yourself as something you were not, it started slow and soon it became a part of you that you sometimes felt scared to lose.

"I just want to sleep now and kill San later."

It was easy to sleep with a full stomach, listening to the steady breaths of his hyung by his side.

-

"Sangie come on wake up."

Yeosang hummed and pushed his head more into his pillow.

"If you get up now I will get you coffee." 

The suggestion made Yeosang open his eyes slightly and look at Seonghwa's blurry frame standing next to him.

"I see coffee still piques your interest." Seonghwa chuckled and moved Yeosang's fringe out of his face, his hands lingering on his head for a moment.

Yeosang got up slowly and shivered a little when he pushed the warm blanket off himself. It was colder today it seemed, from the small window of their small room he saw thick grey clouds hovering over the sky and he heard the occasional whistle of the wind trying to get inside.

"Good morning hyung." he mumbled and rubbed his eyes. He yawned loudly which made Seonghwa smile at him and say a 'good morning' back.

"It is our free day and the weather is lovely today." Seonghwa said and looked out from the window to the sombre sky "Such great weather to drink some coffee don't you think?"

"You don't like coffee hyung." 

"But you do, and I recently took a liking in teas. I am sure they have some there."

Yeosang couldn't help but smile a little.

"Okay then, I'll be ready in fifteen."

-

After his binge, it was kind of shocking to see his weight hadn't changed much. It was a relief really but he couldn't take risks like those often.

He wore an oversized hoodie today, it was a one he had stolen from Seonghwa a while back and he absolutely adored the grey piece of clothing, in which he looked petite. Seonghwa had a crisp white shirt along with black fingerless gloves and black pants. He looked ravishing and if the stares they received while they slowly walked to the other side of campus were any indication, a lot of people thought likewise.

"It looks like it's about to rain." Seonghwa filled the comfortable silence, his voice was low which was a song to Yeosang's ears.

Yeosang just hummed in acknowledgement, the weather was amazing as it was but the rain was just something that made everything better, calmer than they were. 

Small droplets fell on his bare face and people quickly withdrew from the grasses they sat on. The two watched them run back inside the buildings or take shelter under them as the rain got faster. In contrast to the people who escaped the water, Seonghwa looked euphoric under it.

His eyes closed and face facing the sky, the drops of water moved down his features like they were small pieces of diamonds. Seonghwa's lips curled upwards when one certain drop fell on his nose and he giggled with joy. 

Seonghwa was a piece of art, a gift for this world who found beauty in things most people tried to avoid.

-

"Seonghwa you are back!"

The small girl behind the counter smiled at the two of them when they entered the cafe, making the small bell ring inside the warm place. Her name was Charyeong, a lovely girl who worked as a part-timer here since Yeosang and Seonghwa first visited the place.

"I am, Charyeong, how have you been doing?"

"Just fine, Yeosangie kept me company while you were away, he never got anything other than plain coffee tho, he didn't even buy any strawberry muffins like he used to!"

Yeosang tried to laugh but it sounded fake to his ears.

"I am feeling betrayed." he tried to say and glared at Charyeong as the girl poked her tongue at him childishly.

"I see, well at least I am here now." Seonghwa tried to change the conversation, "I will make sure they won't go to waste."

"You better! Yeji is so sad about it, she stopped making them as often as she used to."

Yeosang felt regretful to hear it but there wasn't anything he could do.

They ordered coffee for Yeosang and green tea for Seonghwa. His hyung insisted him to share a croissant with him and paid for everything after that.

"Don't worry about it Yeosang." was all he said before he took the tray and sat next to a window.

He quickly took out his phone to check the calories of the croissant. It was two hundred and thirty calories and if they shared it would be a hundred and fifteen. Not very nutritious nor filling but at least it was something.

Seonghwa slowly cut it in half, well not half since one piece was bigger than the other. Yeosang hoped the smaller one would be his but he almost scoffed when Seonghwa took the small one and ate it in one go.

_'Don't mention it.' his mind yelled at Yeosang 'He can be suspicious don't mention it.'_

"You got the smaller piece hyung it's not fair to you."

"It's fine Yeosang, I know you love it more then I do." Seonghwa shrugged and turned his face to the window, watching the rain pour over the window.

Yes, he loved it, and that was the problem. He wouldn't reject the offer because he loved it, he craved even the smallest bite and his instincts always yelled at him to get the bigger piece even if his mind told him otherwise.

Today his instincts won over and Yeosang took the first bite from the crunchy pastry, almost crying in joy when the warm texture melted in his mouth. 

'Such a fucking loser who can't even say no to food.'

_'And you were on your goal weight, what a way to throw away your accomplishments, pathetic.'_

But it was tasty and he was hungry, he was always hungry. Even if he ate or didn't, the hunger never stopped. It never did.

"Yeosang why are you crying?"

Yeosang sniffled a little and took another bite, he didn't answer immediately. Instead, he took a napkin and patted over his eyes to get rid of the tears.

"It's nothing hyung don't worry, I guess I was a little pent up. You were away for so long." It wasn't a lie but it was half of the truth. Days were always harder alone, their room colder and the grey skies they both adored pessimistic without his hyung.

"I missed having you by my side, especially when it rained." at the mention of it, his eyes moved to the window and traced over the droplets on the glass, they looked beautiful now but before they were just reminders of how lonely he was.

"I am sorry." Seonghwa said and Yeosang shook his head.

"You shouldn't, you have a life outside than me and one day, I will be obliged to learn how to cope without you." 

"Why are you always lost either in the past or future Sangie?" Seonghwa whispered and his hand moved to wipe the single tear that moved on Yeosang's cheek. "I missed you too but it feels like you aren't here with me even if you sit across me."

Yeosang turned to look at Seonghwa and the bitter smile on his face.

"Just know that I am here now and I won't be anywhere else, so please don't shed your tears for me."

The younger nodded softly and continued to eat in silence, even his inner voice gone while Seonghwa watched every bite he took. When he was done, he took a sip from his coffee which was now lukewarm but still pleasant.

He closed his eyes when Seonghwa petted his head like he always did. 

"That's it, do you feel better now?"

"I do."

_'I always do when you are with me.'_

-

Yeosang and Seonghwa parted ways when they finished their drinks and talked with Yeji. Her smile was warm when she saw the two of them together.

_"It always brings the cafe good luck when you two visit. Make sure to come back by the weekend, I will make muffins especially for you!"_

Seonghwa went to the medical department to get his program meanwhile Yeosang marched slowly to the architecture building to see Wooyoung.

It wasn't raining anymore but the sky was darker than it was in the morning. Gloomy was the perfect word to describe the weird feeling in the air. Yeosang's every step to the architecture building filled him with some kind of grief which he couldn't explain.

He didn't feel hungry and he hadn't passed his calorie limit for the day so what was this thing simmering deep down in his heart.

The grasses were still wet with the early morning rain and the lightning coming through the grey sky shone on them in the bluest way. The white walls of the building weren't much different when it finally appeared in Yeosang's vision. The yard was void of the usual chatters and peals of laughter of the art students but he could see some getting in and out from the building's entrance.

It was almost lunchtime, Wooyoung's last lesson of the day was about to finish.

He approached the gate and slipped past between the crowd of students who blocked the door. Yeosang used to hate those nonchalant art students with his whole being but after two years, he grew immune to them. They were just some stupid, inconsiderate kids who couldn't even think that people would need to walk past them. 

Who was Yeosang kidding? He still despised them.

There weren't many classrooms in this section, the building itself was very old and only used for art students in the past, just recently becoming the department of architecture.

Yeosang knew Wooyoung's History of Art class by heart, first door on the second floor with green and blue gems which were actually painted glass. Something the graduates made as a goodbye project. He waited by the door and not much later it opened and students started to leave, filling the empty hall with noise.

He watched everyone who made their way out but even as the last ones got out, he couldn't spot Wooyoung.

"Hey Yeosang, looking for Wooyoung?" asked one of Wooyoung's friends, Yeonjun.

"Yeah, I couldn't see him leave the class."

"Oh, he was absent today."

Yeosang felt a pang of worry but still tried not to freak out.

"What? Did you talk to him today at all?"

"No, I last saw him yesterday. We were chilling around the building when he suddenly left." Yeonjun answered, a little lost in thought. "Why, is something wrong?

Yeosang took in a deep breath. "Hopefully not."

Yeonjun said "Message me if you hear from him, I will ask Soobin and the others as well." finally and put his hand comfortingly on Yeosang's shoulder.

"Okay Yeonjun, thank you so much."

Yeonjun beamed reassuringly.

"No problem, see you later."

The blonde left him and Yeosang stood there dumbly by himself. He absentmindedly called Wooyoung first but his phone was turned off, leaving San as his only lead.

When the younger opened his phone, their conversation made Yeosang freak out for good.

"Wooyoung wasn't there when I wake up... What do you mean he didn't go to classes?"

"Go tell Yunho and the others." he told San hastily, shutting the phone to the other's face.

Where the fuck Wooyoung could have been without none of them knowing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to tokkitokki and daughterofdavinci for helping me through this chapter!  
> Please let me know if you like it or wanna tell me something!  
> [My Tumblr](https://park-sseonghwa.tumblr.com/)


	3. Diamonds as Eyes but You are Still Blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [@prompto](https://www.archiveofourown.org/users/prompto/pseuds/prompto) for being my beta this chapter. I can't thank her enough!

"Where do you think he went? Seonghwa asked him softly when they sat down on a nearby bank. "We searched almost every place he usually goes."

"That's the problem, the little shit probably guessed we would search for him." Yeosang sighed, frustrated. "We should split up."

"Maybe it will be for the best," Seonghwa murmured and got up. "I will go around the dorms then, call me if you find him, okay?"

Yeosang nodded and, after splitting with Seonghwa, he found himself wandering around the yard. When Yeosang couldn't reach Wooyoung, they waited for him to come to lunch, which he never did. Later on, they waited by the dorms, checked the cafe and even the library. Yeonjun said the other's haven't seen him at all but they would keep an eye out. 

That's how Yeosang and Seonghwa decided to walk around the campus to search for him, meanwhile, Yunho and Mingi took San and went downtown to check there.

"If he doesn't return by midnight I am calling the police," Yunho said before they left with the first bus that came to the station.

Yeosang hoped that wouldn't be the case, Yunho was a ball of affection that became wild when he worried over someone. Not even Mingi could manage to calm him down.

The campus was huge for only two of them to search for. He couldn't call Jongho since the younger one was busy today and Hongjoong was out of options since he was at the studio with his music production group. He insisted on coming but Yeosang fake assured him that it would be fine, that he was sure Wooyoung would return in no time at all.

That wasn't the case at all but nobody needed to know that.

His heart was a little erratic and his legs trembled slightly with the amount of walking he did today. He hadn't eaten anything after the half of the croissant Seonghwa had offered to him. He was now hungrier than he would be if he fasted instead. Yeosang wouldn't complain, it was probably for the better anyway, he had messed up his metabolism and soon he would need to start eating around a hundred calories to boost it up again. It would be hard to fast with Seonghwa here.

Marching away from the dorms and farther away from the art building, he neared the small woods that were located inside the campus. It was a place that was usually crowded but as soon as the classes started it filled with tranquillity. A right place to visit if you ditched classes or just wanted some alone time. 

He spotted a girl sitting under one of the trees with a huge textbook in front of her, a one Yeosang immediately recognised as the anatomy book which Seonghwa also owned. Yeosang felt bad to approach her and break her focus but he didn't have many options since she was the only person there.

"Umm hello, did you see a boy around my height with blonde hair around here?" he asked, the girl looked up from the book, slightly confused.before answering, she checked Yeosang up and down, humming slightly to what Yeosang didn't know. But he felt highly uncomfortable with the girl's curious gaze.

"I did actually, he was walking around not much ago," she said 

Yeosang almost cried in joy then and there and took in a deep breath. "Can you tell him to call Yeosang if you see him again?" 

"Oh so you are Yeosang," she suddenly said. Yeosang thought she looked a little irritated for a moment but she smiled so fast that Yeosang couldn't be sure. "Sure I will, I am Yuqi by the way."

"Thank you Yuqi, I should leave now," he said and waved a little before leaving the girl there. Yuqi waved back, still smiling, a little forced but still present on her pretty features.

 _'That was weird.'_ Yeosang thought _'I should have asked what she meant by that.'_ he was wrapped up in Wooyoung's incident and didn't have half the mind to ask her how she knew him.

He hastily sent a message to Seonghwa to let him know where he was, adding quickly that Wooyoung was probably here as he walked deeper into the small woods. Older trees with large trunks took the place of the younger ones with his every step. He touched some of their trunks and slowly but surely, a small sound of music reached his ears. It was soothing but melancholic, a song only him and his best friend listened to. Wooyoung was here indeed.

Yeosang found him sitting under an old pine tree with his back leaned onto its trunk, eyes closed and a little wet. Wooyoung opened his eyes to look at him but didn't show any recognition, just looked.

"You worried everyone," Yeosang directed, blunt as always. "You should at least tell me."

"I just wanted to be alone," Wooyoung said, voice thin. "I should have known you would find me eventually."

Yeosang smirked, went to his friend's side and crouched down next to him.

"I am both a curse and a gift, just like you are to me."

Wooyoung laughed a little, small droplets of the remaining tears welling up but never falling down his cheeks.

"It is hard to choose between them, isn't it?" he said, more to himself.

They sat for a while; Yeosang checked his phone for Seonghwa's answer, but it never came, so he listened to the music with Wooyoung as the cool breeze stroked their skin and hair. Yeosang rested his head on Wooyoung's shoulder after a while just for Wooyoung to put his head on his.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked quietly.

"What is there to talk about? I am just a heartbroken young adult who is way too dramatic about life." 

Yeosang turned his head to bite on Wooyoung's shoulder, a little harshly like he was trying to prove a point.

"Ow! Okay, I’ll tell you, stop."

And he did. 

Wooyoung and San's relationship was beautiful from an outsider's perspective. Full of affection and fun, there was never a moment these two seemed to be separated and even Yeosang himself felt a little threatened with the newest addition to Wooyoung's social life, but soon got used to it.

However, if someone looked closer and saw how their dynamic actually was, they would probably pity the two friends. Two lost souls just trying to express love but still managing to be lonely.

Nobody knew what those two were, even San and Wooyoung themselves didn't. They were too close to be friends but way too hesitant to be lovers. They were always with each other, shared a room but even then with all those indications they were still more intimate with people outside their relationship.

It was mostly San though, to be honest, it was only San. And that was the problem. The situation wasn't anything new now either.

"I just can't believe he had the audacity to bring someone over while I was at the dorm? He even held my hand that day, showered me with kisses but he couldn't even think of the possibility of me being present in OUR fucking room."

"That doesn't mean you had to sleep in the library and not come to our room, and you know it."

Wooyoung was quiet for a while, playing with the grass by his feet and pulling on them violently from time to time.

"I know. I wasn't in my right mind."

And that was it, Yeosang asked what was up and Wooyoung answered. No more questions were needed or any scoldings. It was simple, it always was with Wooyoung.

Seonghwa messaged Yeosang he would be there while the two of them listened to the rustling of the leaves mixing with the soft guitar. It was peaceful, a rare occasion where they were alone, away from prying eyes and loud voices. 

Yeosang felt comfortable and he hoped Wooyoung did too.

-

"Yeah, I found Wooyoung... No, he won't... Yeah, we are walking there right now." Yeosang talked with Seonghwa over the phone. They walked with Wooyoung side by side to the entrance of the small woods. Seonghwa was apparently waiting for them around there, sitting with a friend from his major while he waited for the two to meet up with him. 

Wooyoung and Yeosang wanted to spend time with each other, alone, and Seonghwa was more than happy to indulge. Said he would just wait for them, he was pleased that he had found Wooyoung anyway, that was the most important situation after all.

When Yeosang spotted Seonghwa sitting with a very cheerful Yuqi, he couldn't say he was surprised but the scene made him feel uneasy.

"Hyung!" Wooyoung yelled and fastened his steps, quickly approaching the two who turned to look at them.

"Brat, do you know how worried we were?" Seonghwa said but there was no bite to it, Yeosang just heard the relief in his voice and saw the joy in his eyes.

"I know but you really can't tell anyone other than Yunho okay?" Wooyoung huffed out, "Yeosanf told me he threatened to call the police."

"I see you found him Yeosang." Yuqi said then, a smile on her face that made his eyes crinkle and become slits "We were just talking about you two too."

Yuqi seemed different but Yeosang just couldn't pinpoint what exactly. Maybe it was the way his features smoothened when he glanced at Seonghwa but changed when she looked at them, or him, to be exact.

"Guys this is Yuqi, she is a med major like me."

"I could say." Wooyoung said and looked at the still open textbook in front of Yuqi.

"Should we leave now?" Yeosang interrupted, he didn't like the way Seonghwa and Yuqi looked at each other.

"Yeah, thanks for helping us by the way Yuqi."

Yuqi beamed "It is no problem, maybe we can get some coffee together?"

Yeosang was starting to get very agitated.

"Sure, I would love to."

Yeosang felt like throwing up but there was nothing in his stomach.

-

"Did you fucking see the way she looked at Seonghwa?" Wooyoung shrieked when the two of them entered Yeosang and Seonghwa's shared room. "That girl has a huge crush on Seonghwa and of course he just couldn't refuse her!" Yeosang listened to Wooyoung half-heartedly but agreed on every word. He just felt tired all of a sudden.

"Yeosang I am sure he didn't think much of it." Wooyoung came next to Yeosang and put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You know how oblivious Seonghwa hyung is."

Yeosang shrugged, resulting in Wooyoung's hand to fall.

"It is nothing Wooyoung."

It was nothing... Or was it?

"Don't you need to get back to your dorm and confront San eventually?" he said back instead. "You can't hide from him forever."

"I know and you know I know. You are not as sleek as you think."

"Pardon?"

Wooyoung sighed harshly and plopped down onto Yeosang's bed.

"You are trying to change the topic."

"No, I’m not."

"Yes, you are."

Safe to say there was an attempt of murder after that, Wooyoung was lucky Yeosang was malnourished because that was what that had saved Wooyoung's life that day.

-

"Aren't you gonna eat?"

"No, I am not hungry."

"When did you last eat?"

"When will you leave for your dorm?"

Wooyoung fake gasped and Yeosang rolled his eyes as he continued typing one of his economy assignments.

"You know that's absolutely unfair of you."

Yeosang just hummed and continued on writing, trying to forget his hunger that was reminded by his friend. His heart was beating exceptionally fast and abrupt nausea hit him occasionally. Wooyoung was the only thing that was grounding him from having an anxiety attack because of his hunger.

He really shouldn't have eaten carbs, he became much more hungry after them.

"Seonghwa has classes tomorrow, he will need to sleep early."

Wooyoung grumbled something like "You and your precious hyung" into the pillow which he snuggled into. Yeosang just ignored him and hoped Seonghwa would return soon.

-

"What is taking him so long?"

It was now nine and Seonghwa was still out, leaving Yeosang and him sitting on his bed, talking about nothing but everything.

"Do you think he is still with Yuqi?" Wooyoung asked, hesitant.

Yeosang hoped not but he was, most likely. He was extremely anxious now with his added hunger, sleep was the only option to ease it but he couldn't with Wooyoung still here.

But Wooyoung wouldn't leave until Seonghwa returned.

"I don't care, he has a life other than us." Yeosang mumbled but the way his voice sounded, it didn't come out strong. "

-

They were told that it took Seonghwa this long because he dropped Yuqi off to her dorm, it was late after all, and Seonghwa was just nice... Too nice.

Yeosang felt jealous, he was sulking and it was so obvious Wooyoung had to look between the two of them for a moment when he decided the tension was too thick for him to stay longer.

"I should leave now too, thanks for having me."

And he was gone in a second, leaving the room full of Seonghwa's confusion and Yeosang's bitterness.

"Did I do something to upset you Yeosang?" Seonghwa questioned but Yeosang just said no. 

"I am just sleepy, don't worry about it." 

It was probably a one-time thing, he didn't need to worry about it. As he said, Seonghwa had a life outside of him and one day, he needed to learn to live without him. Seonghwa didn't look convinced but he said nothing and they spent the rest of the night without interacting.

At sometime around midnight Yeosang felt extremely hungry, were he to describe the feeling, he would say it was like his bones were empty and his stomach was trying to digest itself. 

He debated on eating the crackers Seonghwa bought but some part of him also yelled at him that it was okay, he would lose weight much easier if he didn't eat.

But what if it was his nails that he would lose later and not weight. Yeosang had been restricted for so long and it became extreme this past month. Day by day he looked worse and it scared him.

He didn't want to die.

"Are you hungry Yeosang?"

Yeosang tried to shake his head but he heard Seonghwa sigh and open the cabinets himself.

"I am hungry too, will you eat with me?"

"I am okay hyung don't worry."

But some part of his mind begged Seonghwa to insist, to make him eat. 

"Just a bit, please? For hyung." and he pouted right after, why was he pouting? It was not fair.

"Didn't you eat with Yuqi?" Yeosang asked, not even hiding the irritation in his voice. He was angry, hungry... Hangry..?

"Is that why you won't eat?" Seonghwa looked sad, "I am sorry Sangie she just helped us and I wanted to thank her in some way."

"So you thank everyone by taking them out, it is way too kind hyung, even for you." Yeosang retorted back. Oh god, he was being way too bitter about it and it even made him grimace internally.

"I have a feeling I won't have a way out of this conversation." Seonghwa murmured, defeated. "Just please eat with me now? I promise I will make it up to you, please Sangie~ "

In the end, the two of them ate the dried apples on Yeosang's bed and watched some cartoons from the cracked screen of Seonghwa's phone. It wasn't much but they managed, they had each other's company, after all.

Seonghwa's attention was on the screen and sometimes Seonghwa's lips quirked with amusement. The light from the screen shone on his face, made his eyes glisten with the soft illumination it provided. He looked ethereal and safe to say, Yeosang's attention was not on the cartoon but on Seonghwa himself. Sometimes Seonghwa pulled a piece of apple and gave it to Yeosang, eyes never moving away from the animation, the small act made Yeosang's heart skip a beat and he obediently opened his mouth to take it from Seonghwa's fingers.

So he ate, probably more than Seonghwa did because when he started eating, he just couldn't stop these days. He felt his stomach hurt with the sudden intake of the apple chips but thanks to Seonghwa, it was hard to feel bad about it. And these chips were around a hundred and fifty calories per packet. He needed some relief in life, what would the apple do, make him gain overnight? The answer was no but the irrational part of him screamed yes.

Their night ended with Seonghwa asleep on his bed as Yeosang rested his head on his lap, watching Seonghwa's chest rise up and down with every breath he took. It was weird maybe but seeing even the smallest gesture of life from Seonghwa made Yeosang feel better, calmer. Life itself wasn't fun, he didn't have a future neither he had a past to live in and Seonghwa was something that he held onto in the present.

Yeosang closed his eyes slowly. It was the second night where he could sleep again without his hunger keeping him up, or waking up with sudden nausea from fasting and experiencing anxiety attacks over it. His dazed mind jumped onto thought to thought and that night he dreamed of things that he usually did when he was deep into his fucked up habits, when he felt like he was about to lose his mind because of the hunger and the aching inside of him.

He dreamed of Seonghwa and how lovely he would taste on his tongue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me happy, please let me know if you liked it or have any thoughts!
> 
> [My Twitter](https://twitter.com/kelktea)


	4. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much [my lovely friend](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/somebody-stole-my-username-again) for beta-ing this chapter and being an amazing and supportive friend, I wouldn't have done this much if it weren't for you!

"Yeosangie, come on wake up."

Yeosang hummed as he heard the angelic voice from his dreams softly whisper the words his sleepy mind couldn't perceive. A tiny lift to his lips was the only indication he indeed heard the other. However, that was it. 

"Yeosangie the others are waiting for us for breakfast, come on."

What breakfast? Yeosangie was skipping them.

"No breakfast," he said with a breathy voice but still opened his eyes, just to meet with dark brown ones staring right at him, glowing with the morning sun peeking through the thin curtains in the room.

"Yes, breakfast." Seonghwa said, a little sternly for Yeosang's taste since he grimaced at the small anger mixed within his hyung's voice. Seonghwa noticed it and sighed, ruffling Yeosang's hair apologetically. Yeosang did his hardest not to purr at the smallest contact.

"Get ready, we will leave in fifteen."

-

They sat on the freshly trimmed grass behind the canteen. The morning was beautiful even to Yeosang's sleep hazed mind. The air smelled of grass and the sun shined pleasantly onto the eight of their skin. It looked like a perfect morning with Seonghwa sitting next to Yeosang, feeding him some grapes he got from god knows where. The only thing reminding them of the previous day's incident was San and Wooyoung sitting as far from each other as possible as they tried to ignore each other.

"Hyung it's so nice to see you with us again!" Yunho chirped, "It's been a while since Yeosang ate something that isn't chicken and granola bar."

"I missed it too." Seonghwa smiled but his eyes never left Yeosang's as he fed him another grape, watching Yeosang chew it. "And it sure makes me happy to see Yeosang consuming enough vitamins in." Seonghwa said while tracing Yeosang's lower lip. A small drop of the grape's juice ran down Yeosang lips. His tongue darted out to catch it at the same time as Seonghwa was about to wipe it away with his finger. There happened a small moment both boys looked astounded and a little flustered but it was Seonghwa who quickly averted his eyes, retrieving his hand as if nothing happened.

"Same." came the sudden voice of Wooyoung after a whole morning of silence "I am still waiting for him to buy some vitamins, he just lost so much weight this past month."

Yeosang's heart sunk low once the words that he feared out unleashed from his friend's mouth but it wasn't all too unpleasant. His brown eyes shone a little as they slyly glanced at his hyung but there was no recognition from the other. The same shy but affectionate stare was there but neither worry, pity or a trace of awe.

There was nothing.

"Seonghwa oppa good morning!"

All the eyes turned away from the two of them to the source of the joyful voice that addressed their elder. All eyes but Yeosang's who watched as Seonghwa's attention slowly changed its source.

Yeosang felt intense anger bubbling up. He didn't need to see who the owner of the voice was because he already recognized her.

"Good morning Yuqi, Soyeon." Seonghwa said with a smile. Yeosang turned his gaze to the source of his irritation.

They knew Soyeon, a music major and Hongjoong's crush since the start of the year, but to see them together walking past them was a new occasion. All of them greeted each other slowly, with Yeosang only mumbling a good morning with obvious disinterest.

The girls walked away, Yuqi giggling and Soyeon smirking with a last glance back at Hongjoong. The boys were laughing at the small blush that coloured Hongjoong's cheeks meanwhile Seonghwa just watched them walk away with a thoughtful look.

"Oh my god, Hongjoong!" Yunho giggles when the girls are out of their view. "You looked adorable when they greeted us."

Hongjoong, who had a faint blush on his cheeks, got as red as a tomato when all of them acknowledged the small change of his demeanour.

"S-shut up!" he mumbled and continued munching on his sandwich. They all smiled and teased him more, everyone but Yeosang and Seonghwa.

-

At lunch, everyone met at the same spot under the tree, everyone but Seonghwa.

Yeosang bit on his nails in an agitated matter and glanced around every moment, waiting for his hyung's frame to appear somewhere around them. He had a feeling why he was absent yet he didn't want to think about it. The more he thought, the more he wanted to scream in the middle of the backyard.

"Where is Seonghwa hyung?" Jongho questioned with his soft voice, his hands slowly unpacking the plastic of his sandwich. Yeosang had his lunch in front of him. A modest sandwich he bought just to show his hyung he was okay, to eat without the guilt of the calories hunting him down. Now looking at it just stressed him out more.

He hated wasting food. But right now all he wanted to do was to burn everything around him that could be eaten.

"He mentioned he would eat with his friends from med today." Hongjoong told him, slowly glancing at Yeosang as the boy himself stared down to the ground. 

Yeosang knew Seonghwa was with Yuqi.

Everyone ate their food and tried to start a conversation with Yeosang, just to be met with dismissive answers and eyes looking somewhere far away. 

Yeosang didn't even take the sandwich off the ground when he got up and left, even before his six friends sitting around him.

-

Yeosang got his money that day, as well as the vitamins he should have gotten sooner.

He was hungry and he read that the vitamins were supposed to be taken with food. Without a second thought, he got one from the box and swallowed immediately on an empty stomach. If he thought about it, Yeosang knew it that thinking about this too much would fuel his anxiety. 

What if he blacked out in front of everyone?

Why were his teeth hurting, would they fall out?

What about his nails, was it just his mind or were they getting thinner day by day?

Yeosang's steps quickened on his way to the dorms, not even aware of the concerned glances he was receiving around him. He didn't care anymore, the stares didn't satisfy him any longer.

All the attention he wanted was His attention. What purpose would it hold, if he were to receive it from anybody else. 

The sky was grey and the wind was cold on his skin as he opened the door of their room. He was met with silence.

Yeosang tried, tried so hard but he just couldn't be rational with the hunger clawing his insides, with the sadness squeezing his heart, causing the tired muscle to beat harder in his boney chest.

His hands came up to his ribs, slowly grazing over them one by one just to rest on his prominent hipbones before he closed the door. The moment he heard it click shut, his nails dug into his sensitive skin and the first of tears fell down on his cheek.

He felt like his world was falling apart, the world that was supposed to help him stand on his trembly, weak legs.

-

Yeosang didn't eat that day.

Seonghwa didn't arrive until around nine that night.

"Hey Sangie." he said the soft, melodic voice of his. A bit breathy and thin, as delicate as him. Yeosang didn't answer him. His back was turned away from the door. He had been laying in the dark because he had no reason to turn the lights on.

"I guess you are asleep." the voice got much softer. He heard quiet rustlings and the bathroom door opening. All of them done as silent as possible, Yeosang felt his chest hurt from the consideration.

Soon those silent footsteps came closer to him, he expected them to stop by the bed next to him but he felt the cold touch of fingers on his hair instead.

Those fingers slowly threaded his hair and the touch left burning sensations everywhere they met.

The moment when Yeosang felt like he would burst, they stopped. After he heard the sheets across him rustle, a small and silent tear fell into the night and broke into the pieces like his soul. 

Yeosang fell into a deep sleep slumber that night, filled with nightmares, and he felt the emptiness with every fibre of his being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have bad news, not too bad but! I will be unable to write probably for a month or two because of my exam schedule. I want to write more but I have been a little demotivated these days. I do want to hear your thoughts about the story! 
> 
> Also, thank you for over a hundred kudos! It means a lot to me that people liked my story! I can't wait to write more!


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